I was in a real funny mood the other day, it’s been a bit of a week but nothing really out of the ordinary, I just felt “meh” you know that feeling? Just not 100% yourself.
My wife is in tune to it, she senses when something is amiss and will ask “what’s up? Talk to me” she knows that I bottle it up, so she will gently push, and “Resistance is Futile” (one for the Trekkies out there.) I then vomited words: “I’m feeling meh, I don’t know…. Maybe I’m tired… or I’ve got too much to do, I don’t know…. This thing annoyed me…. Maybe cus I wasn’t around for Ev’s birthday, I don’t know…. I could probably do with hitting the gym…. I don’t know”
Notice anything?? I said “I don’t know” four times! My wife noticed this too! And that’s it, I just don’t know!! Goodness knows what’s actually bothering me, it’s alright saying Men need to talk more, but it legitimately is hard!
BOLD CONTROVERSIAL STATEMENT ALERT: When other members of society have a problem, society will ask “What can we do to fix society?” where-as when men have a problem, society will ask “what can men do to fix themselves?”
Don’t get me wrong, there are campaigns and charities encouraging men to speak up, and they’re doing important work. But the focus is still very much on individual responsibility: “you need to talk, you need to open up”. That’s not wrong, but it’s not enough. We need a broader strategy, because the numbers are scary: 75% of suicides are blokes, we’re more likely to die at work, and on the whole, we’re dying younger… Always have but it’s not always down to the daft stuff we do like lighting our farts!! There’s something deeper going on.…
I’ll let you think on that for a moment while I ramble on, but please do not take any offense as none is intended, just think about it and I’ll circle back.
Half the time we don’t know what to say and if we know what to say we don’t know how to say it! Also… It’s the last thing we want to do is burden anyone else with it, whatever IT is!? Not sure where you sit on that one? Then there is the “worrying what others will think” issue, but that’s for another blog!
It could be anything, I bottle it all up for weeks or even months so it could be something very trivial that shoves me into a bit of a slump and that probably isn’t the actual issue.
However, I’m lucky… My wife is the best listener, she holds me to account and she won’t settle for the “I don’t know” bit… she’s sneaky, she isolates me and gets it out of me eventually! Long walks in the Lake District, big motorway drives, and rare meals out by ourselves. It’ll take some time, she’ll keep pressing in her patient and subtle way, but eventually the levee will break and out it comes, the reason!! I’m putting too much pressure on myself, I’m trying to do too much, I’ve stopped journalling, I’ve been on too much social media and the list goes on… Then once we know what the issue is we discuss how we are going to move forward, make a plan and I’m on my way back to being me! We call this our “check in” And one of the good things about it is, there’s usually a pub at the end for a debrief 😉. We’ll be doing this tomorrow on our way to Teignmouth in Devon!
My wife creates that environment for me to get it all out, I’m sure she knows what she’s doing, all the good women in our lives do. She doesn’t demand I “just talk” she creates the conditions for me to feel safe enough to do it, and that’s what we are missing on a wider level…. We need fewer LOUD campaigns telling men to “MAN UP BY SPEAKING UP!” We need to change the environment we’re asking them to open up in!
I try to avoid offering advice, BUT… If you’re a dude reading this please don’t wait for a crisis to open up, start figuring out your environment NOW! It could be anything, a long walk, a pint with a pal or a games night with friends…. Create a space you feel safe enough to offload before it all gets too much!!
If you’re reading this as someone who is concerned about a bloke who is close to you, be it you husband, partner, son or friend, first of all THANK YOU. You are more than likely the hero my wife is to me and probably generating that environment already, but lets go one step further and make it intentional. Create the time, ask the subtle questions, sit with silence and work the problems! Because we WILL open up in the right environment! Then things will get better for us all!
Take it easy
TM
1 Comment. Leave new
That was an interesting read TM. Having that special person, be it partner, bestie or just that kind of family is obviously healthy. I’m a relative oldie and I sense a slowly changing climate developing over the last couple of decades or so for men. Sociology and Biology in some tension I suspect although I don’t claim any great insight. I’ll mull it over though! Thanks for the stimulus TM.