The Note in My Pocket – Turning Pain into Purpose This Baby Loss Awareness Week

On the day of my daughter Belle’s funeral my brother slipped a note into the breast pocket of my black jacket, he tapped it and said, “Don’t read that until you get home.”

Forgive me for not going into too much detail here, I’m not ready to yet.
But it feels important to share a little bit of context… Belle developed a condition called occipital encephalocele which meant my wife had to be induced early and we had to say goodbye to our second born.

The 18th of June, like her birthday, was a blazing hot day. Far too hot for black funeral attire, but some things you do out of respect, no matter the heat. I would like to talk more about this day but as I mentioned, it is still a bit raw, but I would like to thank everyone who came along to support us and pay their respects to Belle.

What I would like to talk about though is the note… So once we returned from the wake, I sat down to reflect a bit, then I remembered the note, I pulled it out and read it.

“I wish it need not have happened in my time, said Frodo. So do I, said Gandalf, and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.”

I didn’t know it but my brother writing down that exchange between Frodo Baggins and Gandalf the Grey was exactly what I needed! Life is hard, it doesn’t half throw it at you at times, but it’s what we do in response to it. There are no perfect choices, only different directions.

This blog itself is a result of what happened to us in April, writing became my therapy (again), a way to process and keep the noise down in my head. I felt that if I could get some of my thoughts out in the form of words it could help someone else, even if one person reads this and feels less alone, something good has come from this pain.

All of us experience hardship, it comes in different forms, bereavement, stress, illness, the list goes on, but I believe it is all a test, the test of life. How are you going to deal with it and what type of person will these experiences and tests mould you into?

I feel the worst thing you can do is get bitter about it, sure, we’ve all fallen into the trap of “why me!? What did I do to deserve this?” but where does this attitude get you? Not very far is my answer. My opinion is that this externally orientated thinking doesn’t allow you to reflect on the situation properly. It has happened; there’s nothing you can do but move forward with this experience added to your tool kit for life.

Losing Belle was and still is tough for us, I often find myself thinking, “what if” but never ever do I ask “Why us!?” but what I do ponder on, is “what can I do now?”  life took a turn that day and I’ll never be the same because of it, but what can I do to take this experience to make the world better? How can I use what I have learnt in a positive way?

 I know that there are a lot of people out there going through similar situations because since going through this, a whole community has opened up, it happens, it’s life and there are people, groups and charities out there to help and support…. So don’t suffer in silence feeling like you’re alone in all this because you’re not! Tackle it head on accept it and you’ll be amazed at what sort of things will open up for you.

Belle’s story has changed us forever, but part of moving forward is making sure others know they don’t have to face this alone. If you’re ever in need of support, please look to charities like 4Louis and Sands, or to incredible teams such as those at George Eliot Hospital, who help families like ours every day.

Thanks for reading and be kind.

TM