Since starting this blog I’ve talked a lot about the mental health of us dudes, especially about how hard it is in this modern world for us to cope and keep moving forward with positivity. The advice remains the same: “Open up, talk about what’s going on!” but we all know it isn’t as easy as that!
I had a great one to one with a business owner the other week, we spoke about business for a while but the chat turned to men’s mental health and the struggles, I know this lovely lady through my day job but she is aware of my moonlighting as a blogger and asked me “what will it take for men to open up?” My answer was and still is a working progress, I don’t have the answers, and I don’t think anybody does…. But I’m working on a theory, and I want to throw it out there for you people to tell me what you think!
I feel that the environment needs to be right for men to talk about what’s going on upstairs, we can’t just express our feelings and vulnerabilities on command, we need to feel safe. Deep down we are still primal beings and still have those natural instincts like fight or flight and stress. If you go way back to when we were living in caves or on the plains in tribes, typically the men hunted and protected whilst the women cared and mothered. With this constant threat of tribal or animal attack we had to have our wits about us at all times and I believe that instinct is still in us, we still naturally can’t switch off.
I’m no strategist but even I know that you strike your enemy when they are at their weakest, so as born protectors we need to avoid showing any weakness, which means keeping it all in, pretending everything is OK so the neighbouring tribe doesn’t see that we are ripe for the taking. This isn’t really an issue these days, maybe someone wants your job or whatever, but there’s no real threat to most of us (in certain parts of this country anyway). So why do we STILL pretend everything is OK? Some say it’s how we are brought up, but I think it’s our prehistoric natural instinct!
So how do we get around this, you can’t just expect us to change thousands of years of evolution in a few decades, we need to think prehistoric. How did people live? In tribes! Where did they feel most safe? In tribes! When are men most likely to open up? When they feel safe, and again, when do they feel safe? When they’re in a tribe.
So, we need a tribe! Yes, many of us have close and wonderful families who we class as our tribe, but these are the people our instincts are telling us to protect, so we’re not going to spill the beans about how we are feeling as we don’t want to show weakness to them either. (I know it isn’t weakness but it is how it feels.) If we show weakness to them then there is a chance they may feel vulnerable and we can’t let that happen.
The tribe I’m talking about is your mates! Other blokes, men who if called upon could protect your small tribe if you weren’t able, a group of mates you feel safe with, safe enough to say “fella’s I’m struggling here”.
The problem is blokes aren’t spending enough time with other bloke mates like they should be, the stats prove it:
- Nearly half of UK adults report loneliness in some form, and for men it can quickly be silent and chronic – Campaign to End Loneliness
- Almost a third (27 %) of men say they don’t have any close friends – Movember / Men’s Friendship Reporting
- Men are more isolated than women through much of the life course – Academic gender / social isolation study
- Men’s social networks tend to be thinner in emotional depth, less frequently relied on for support – Commentary / gender studies on friendship decline USA & UK
Also more facts here: https://timbermane.co.uk/thirsty-thursday-from-teenagers-to-dads-in-23-years-of-beers-and-friendship/
So instead of telling blokes to simply open up and talk about their emotions and feelings, how about encourage them to put themselves into an environment where they feel safe enough to open up…. That means a couple of beers at the pub with the boys, a weekend walking or a kick about down the rec… Anything to help create those bonds that seem to be failing these days.
We all need our tribe boys, don’t forget yours. Whether it’s a pint at the pub, a kick about, or a night round the campfire, whatever tickles your pickle, that’s where the walls come down and the real talking starts.
And for the partners and wives, sometimes the kindest thing is just to encourage those moments, to give a little space for the lads to be together. It might not look like much from the outside, you might think us a bunch of idiots, but that’s often where the weight gets lifted.
That’s my opinion on it anyway…… I’d love to know what you think.
Take it easy.
TM
