We spent the bank holiday camping in West Sussex, five families, campfires, slacklining, goats, laughter, the works. But it wasn’t the campsite that was on my mind during the drive home, it was what happened when I packed up. Somewhere between playing Tetris with the truck and re-packing it for the third time, I realised this was the perfect analogy for how my wife and I handle overwhelm and stress differently.
My wife and I travelled down separately, as you know I have the roof tent which is on top of my pick-up truck. (A dream set up if I do say so myself!!) So I went ahead to set up camp while my wife finished work and picked the little lady up from nursery. It would have been too dark to set up if we’d have left together so we both agreed this was the best option.
Because I have the bigger vehicle with the carrying capabilities, I was designated the logistics support vehicle. The Thunderbird 2 of the situation if you will… A role I am perfectly happy with, I’ll pack that truck like I’m playing Tetris, ensuring no space is wasted!
Whilst packing away all the gear my wife would ask at various points to leave this out and ensure that was accessible and to make sure that I’d thought about what our daughter would eat and drink on the way home… It got to a stage where I had to diplomatically say to her “Darling, the stuff has been spread out on the floor for 2 hours, could you have asked me then? Or the other 2 times you asked?” She admitted yes, she could have and promised me that was all she needed. SO… once everything was sorted I shut the tailgate and we hit the long and winding road up the country.
All this got me thinking…. I do a lot of thinking in the car, I drive a lot for work, so I get a lot of time to think! I get some of my best ideas in the car, problem is I sometimes forget them because I can’t write them down!!! Anyway….. The exchange my wife and I had reminded me of a conversation we had not so long previous, it was a chat about how different we are when it comes to stress and overwhelm. My wife is what I called at the time an OFFLOADER and I am an ABSORBER
off·load·er
- /ˈɒf.ləʊ.dər/ *
noun
- A person who instinctively relieves themselves of stress or worry by verbalising it, often in the form of questions, requests, calendar filling, or dumping their inner chaos onto a convenient spouse.
- Someone whose mental load is lightened by sharing, regardless of whether the listener asked for it.
- (informal) The partner who says “I just need to get this off my chest” while the listener is part way through solving a mental and physical problem.
Example:
“She’s a classic Offloader, if it’s in her head, it’s coming out of her mouth.”
ab·sorb·er
- /əbˈzɔː.bər/ *
noun
- A person who habitually contains stress, worry, and emotional clutter within their own head, rather than expressing it.
- Someone who believes silence, problem-solving, and a stiff upper lip will eventually sort things out, even if it takes a toll.
- (colloquial, self-inflicted) The partner who insists “I’m fine” while carrying enough mental baggage to fill a pickup truck.
Example:
“He is an Absorber — he keeps everything bottled up until it weighs on him.”
Special Note:
Before anyone sharpens their pitchforks, these roles aren’t tied to gender. I know blokes who offload like they’re paid per word, and women who bottle things up tighter than a ducks arse at 50 fathoms. It’s not about men vs. women, it’s just about how your brain’s wired to deal with the chaos.
I thought that the packing of the truck was the perfect analogy to help explain to my wife what is actually going on in the old noggin of TimberMane when the overwhelm meter is bending around the full needle!
While I was packing the truck, I was quiet. Not sulking, just thinking, planning where everything should go, what needed to be left accessible. My head was already running through a checklist a mile long. Then My wife begins her offload because she has all of a sudden become aware of the journey ahead and has become a bit overwhelmed, she is concerned about the long drive home alone with our daughter, who is now two and is very demanding of our attention and will request a “SNACK” or “PLAY BABY SHARK!” at any moment! All these things are going on in her head so, being an Offloader, she deals with it in the form of questions and requests to me. So I, as the Absorber naturally take all this on and add these requests to my growing list that’s going on in my head.
I think this makes a cracking analogy for everyday life. When I’m quiet, it’s rarely because nothing’s going on, it’s usually because EVERYTHING is going on and its all going on in my head all at once. That’s how us absorbers and overthinkers work. There’s no real off switch, except maybe halfway up a fell in the Lakes or splashing around in the sea somewhere. And even then, the brain finds a way to keep itself busy: What if the pub’s shut when we get down? What if the path’s blocked by a flooded stream? The scenarios are always going on.
Day to day our minds are full: Will we make that deadline at work? What if the work falls through? Can we afford this? Am I a good dad? A good husband? Am I healthy enough? Fit enough? The questions never stop. And the worst of it is, most of the time we carry all this silently. We don’t want to admit how much we’re turning things over in our heads, maybe because we’re worried what others might think, or maybe because we don’t even realise that’s what’s driving us. Either way, it’s relentless and to top it off, the biggest question of all:
IS THIS NORMAL? AM I ALONE?
Basically, what I’m trying to say is; we’ve got a hell of a lot more going on up there than we’re letting on. Maybe not all the time… Sometimes we can be pretty vacant, or pondering something daft, like: If I eat a chocolate digestive biscuit upside down, will it taste different? And which way up is upside down? Pretty daft, but a welcomed break from the usual.
So, if you know an absorber, the quiet thinker, the one who looks fine but is carrying the whole truckload in their head, cut them a little slack. And if you are an absorber yourself, maybe try being an Offloader now and then. It could save you a lot of “unpacking”.
Take it easy, be kind and don’t forget to unpack your mind once in a while!
TM
